The sun never seems to shine on me in just the right way

I have never considered myself pretty.  Especially when I see what the media tells me pretty is.  I am not thin.  My nose is not cute and upturned.  I am dark haired, not fair.  My body has scars.  And my laugh is loud and honest… it sounds NOTHING like the tinkling of bells.  The sun never seems to shine on me in just the right way… so that my dark tresses glimmer in it’s rays.  My make-up smudges.  My thighs rub.  To be honest… I am the complete opposite of everything that pin-ups are made of.

I looked at my children the other day.. and thought how adorable my littlest’s nose is.  And a few minutes later my mom commented that … that child had my nose.  I love that nose.  My daughter was looking at me and she smiled and her eyes twinkled, everyone tells me that she has my captivating eyes. She turned and posed and I noticed that her little shape is going to be curvy like mine and I was glad that she would have a body that would someday be nice for her hubby to hug.. IN THE FAR, DISTANT FUTURE… when she is like 40yrs old.    And my son, who is different, has a smile that tells of love, secrets and peace… and I have been told that when he smiles he resembles his Mommy.  These physical traits that I turn to mush over… in my own children I have never loved on my own body.

How is it that I can love the very bits of me that make up my children… and yet disparage over them on myself?  They say Motherhood is beautiful.  They say it is rewarding.  They said it is underpaid and under appreciated and yet the most wonderful experience ever.  They say you change once you become a Mommy… that you see the world through new eyes.  They say that you are never the same.  I believe it.  I thought it was just because of how fierce my love and loyalty to my babies is.  I thought it was because now I would do anything to stay with them.  I thought it was because now I am so amazingly connected to these 3 little souls that I hurt when they hurt, I laugh when they laugh, I feel what they feel…. so deep into my being that I am no longer just me, I am part of them.  I never realized that I would come to love myself more.. because of the bits of me that are in them.

How awesome is God that he could create such a tangible, life changing experience, bond, and gift… Motherhood?  How blessed am I that He chose to bestow it upon me?  How perfect is his love for Me and My children that he would find ways to make us love ourselves more by giving us each other to love?  This is not something that can be explained away by monkeys and cave men.  This is too big for that.  It is too specific and well planned.  It is too miraculous to be mere coincidence.  They say if you want to believe in God look into the face of a smiling or laughing baby.  I have been blessed threefold with tiny faces to remind me that not only am I loved, but that the beauty God knew I could never see in myself… he allowed me to see through my children.