As she stood there.. her big brown eyes .. brimming with tears.. looking at the stair cases to heaven.. she tried again to run and climb them… she ran and ran until her breath was gone from her burning lungs. She ran until she thought her chest would explode! She ran and the tears finally fell and so did she, to the cold wet grass and mud. She pulled at the earth and screamed and beat it with her fists.. her fury and rage howling louder than the wind that bent the trees. She reached a hand to trail across the marble.. her fingers tracing the cold stone.. so cold that her skin goose bumped and she sobbed. In the shadow of a name.. in the shadow of cold marble.. all that is left of the one she loved… she grieved. Each tear marked a trail down her pale skin from her tortured mind to her bloody mess of a heart, and every breath she labored was a memory of a moment that tore her apart. How unfair to be left behind. How cruel to have so much more to give and that soul no longer able to take her love from her, to refill it with their own. She tore at her clothes and swore a million oaths! Her pain and fury shook the crows from their perches in the leaf barren trees. She died a million times in her broken heart but lived. Hopes and dreams and moments that would never be.. the love she knew stolen untimely. “Why did you leave? Why didn’t you fight harder to stay with me? You didn’t have to leave!!! You should have told HIM no if you really loved me! If I ever.. meant anything.. if there was.. ever.. a …’we’… ohhh God.. why…”
An amber light began to surround her and the wind was stolen of it’s speech. The crows made not a sound but bowed their head on bended knee. A voice in her heart spoke so calm and softly.. “My child, a choice was not given. No words uttered could have changed the time and place. You must live and forgive me. I love you and I will always be here for you. Know that some day a peace will fill you and while you will be forever changed you will heal. Honor the love and life that has passed. Honor my love and joy in you .. and stand and brush the mud and grass from thee.. and live. The passing of life is inevitable.. as is the task of the living to live on. I love you. As terrible as this moment is.. as terrible as other moments may yet be.. I will give you new joys and new loves to sustain you. I will send you more life and love to cherish, if only you are willing to believe.”
She did not open her eyes, she did not raise her head, she laid sobbing and felt her soul bleed. She felt the warmth come over her.. she began more calmly to breathe. Turning her hand toward the light.. so soft and fragile, so in soul-need.. and upturned and raised it. “I don’t know how I can believe.. I don’t know how to be.. ” her earnest voice raspy.
“Be with me. I am never far from you. Look for those I have sent to comfort and guide you. Look for the hearts and souls meant to accompany you and you will be with me.”
She threw herself more violently into her stormy sea… and thrashed and bloodied her hands and face against the harsh ground.
“Look at your hands my child. See how they bleed? They will heal. Though at the moment they throb in pain, time will heal. Scars may remain, but they will heal. And thus I have made your whole being. Arise my beloved and walk with me. Leave your pain here and calmly breathe. Did I not come to you? Have I not given all that you have ever had need? Have I not clothed, fed and gloried over you? Have I not sent ones to love you? Have I not watched over you as you sleep? Was it not me… standing at your side when his soul was called to leave? Was my hand not on your soul to keep it from tearing free? Did I not help your heart to beat? Will I not continue ever more to raise you up? You have much more left to be, more left to see and more fulfilling of needs. A promise from me to thee.. a promise to ever be with thee.”
And the glow and warmth began to recede. She reached to keep it with her.. and then quieted and felt the wind sweep the leaves. She laid still and allowed the grief it’s much needed release. She felt no happier. She felt no sudden joy or peace. Her pain was still there heavy in it’s pulsing. But now she felt still inside and was able to breathe. Shakily she stood and began to turn and leave.
“Never will I stop loving you. Never will I forget how my life was worth so much more when you were with me. And never will I stop feeling the deafening silence of your absence from me. I can promise you nothing. I can forget nothing. I can only breathe. Each day I will forget you are gone, and each day I will die inside when I remember that you are not with me. I hope someday to forgive this all.. but not today. Not while I still bleed.”
Her heavy footsteps left a trail of pain in the grass, mud and crumpled dead leaves. An amber glow that she could not see … surrounded her and held her up while she grieved. And the crystal tears on a feathered angels wing froze every few feet. He followed her evermore as did the one who created her… until the time would come when she could climb the stairways and leave. One held her soul and the other helped her heart to still beat. She left only one trail in life’s stormy sea.. but in truth was there were always three: a daughter with a fractured heart, a fathers love and the never ending, never failing promises of the Heavenly King of all that will ever be for thee.
*** This piece was inspired by the song “You raise me up” as sung by Josh Groban ***