A promise from me to thee…

As she stood there.. her big brown eyes .. brimming with tears.. looking at the stair cases to heaven.. she tried again to run and climb them… she ran and ran until her breath was gone from her burning lungs.  She ran until she thought her chest would explode!  She ran and the tears finally fell and so did she, to the cold wet grass and mud. She pulled at the earth and screamed and beat it with her fists.. her fury and rage howling louder than the wind that bent the trees.  She reached a hand to trail across the marble.. her fingers tracing the cold stone.. so cold that her skin goose bumped and she sobbed.  In the shadow of a name.. in the shadow of cold marble.. all that is left of the one she loved… she grieved.  Each tear marked a trail down her pale skin from her tortured mind to her bloody mess of a heart, and every breath she labored was a memory of a moment that tore her apart.  How unfair to be left behind.  How cruel to have so much more to give and that soul no longer able to take her love from her, to refill it with their own.  She tore at her clothes and swore a million oaths!  Her pain and fury shook the crows from their perches in the leaf barren trees.  She died a million times in her broken heart but lived.  Hopes and dreams and moments that would never be.. the love she knew stolen untimely.  “Why did you leave?  Why didn’t you fight harder to stay with me?  You didn’t have to leave!!!  You should have told HIM no if you really loved me!  If I ever.. meant anything.. if there was.. ever.. a …’we’… ohhh God.. why…”

An amber light began to surround her and the wind was stolen of it’s speech.  The crows made not a sound but bowed their head on bended knee.  A voice in her heart spoke so calm and softly.. “My child, a choice was not given.  No words uttered could have changed the time and place.  You must live and forgive me.  I love you and I will always be here for you.  Know that some day a peace will fill you and while you will be forever changed you will heal.  Honor the love and life that has passed.  Honor my love and joy in you .. and stand and brush the mud and grass from thee.. and live.  The passing of life is inevitable.. as is the task of the living to live on.  I love you.  As terrible as this moment is.. as terrible as other moments may yet be.. I will give you new joys and new loves to sustain you.  I will send you more life and love to cherish, if only you are willing to believe.”

She did not open her eyes, she did not raise her head, she laid sobbing and felt her soul bleed.  She felt the warmth come over her.. she began more calmly to breathe.  Turning her hand toward the light.. so soft and fragile, so in soul-need.. and upturned and raised it.  “I don’t know how I can believe.. I don’t know how to be.. ” her earnest voice raspy.

“Be with me.  I am never far from you.  Look for those I have sent to comfort and guide you.  Look for the hearts and souls meant to accompany you and you will be with me.”

She threw herself more violently into her stormy sea… and thrashed and bloodied her hands and face against the harsh ground.

“Look at your hands my child.  See how they bleed?  They will heal.  Though at the moment they throb in pain, time will heal.  Scars may remain, but they will heal.  And thus I have made your whole being.  Arise my beloved and walk with me.  Leave your pain here and calmly breathe.  Did I not come to you?  Have I not given all that you have ever had need? Have I not clothed, fed and gloried over you?  Have I not sent ones to love you?  Have I not watched over you as you sleep?  Was it not me… standing at your side when his soul was called to leave?  Was my hand not on your soul to keep it from tearing free?  Did I not help your heart to beat?  Will I not continue ever more to raise you up?  You have much more left to be, more left to see and more fulfilling of needs.  A promise from me to thee.. a promise to ever be with thee.”

And the glow and warmth began to recede.  She reached to keep it with her.. and then quieted and felt the wind sweep the leaves.  She laid still and allowed the grief it’s much needed release.  She felt no happier.  She felt no sudden joy or peace.  Her pain was still there heavy in it’s pulsing.  But now she felt still inside and was able to breathe.  Shakily she stood and began to turn and leave.

“Never will I stop loving you.  Never will I forget how my life was worth so much more when you were with me.  And never will I stop feeling the deafening silence of your absence from me.  I can promise you nothing.  I can forget nothing.  I can only breathe.  Each day I will forget you are gone, and each day I will die inside when I remember that you are not with me.  I hope someday to forgive this all.. but not today.  Not while I still bleed.”

Her heavy footsteps left a trail of pain in the grass, mud and crumpled dead leaves.  An amber glow that she could not see … surrounded her and held her up while she grieved.  And the crystal tears on a feathered angels wing froze every few feet.  He followed her evermore as did the one who created her… until the time would come when she could climb the stairways and leave.  One held her soul and the other helped her heart to still beat.  She left only one trail in life’s stormy sea.. but in truth was there were always three: a daughter with a fractured heart, a fathers love and the never ending, never failing promises of the Heavenly King of all that will ever be for thee.

*** This piece was inspired by the song “You raise me up” as sung by Josh Groban  ***

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I know why the Lord makes my night so long

As I gather the forgotten things and misplaced cups, the tossed about pillows and the turned over toy trucks…I know why the Lord makes my night so long.. for me to await the chime of three little voices in their morning song.  That dreadful time of night… when the dreamy darkness falls and all the lights have been turned out.  The moon in all her swollen, fertile glory… the stars that adorn her veil… the song of the small things that roam the soil providing the only music one can hear.  My legacies all tucked away in their beds, their hands still and lips at rest.  A heaviness is granted my soul.  A blessing if you will.  My Father gives me these lonely moments so that when restless, I have no choice but to stay at the heart of all that holds meaning to me.  He knows that through this aching, He melts away the stress of the day, and everything seem less harrowing on my heart.  I will mark the hours with increasing adoration, anxious for the time when I can rouse their precious heads out of bed and hear their sleepy whispers “Good morning Mommy, I love you.”

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no face you will see

Did you ever want to pack up what precious little is truly important to you… put it in your car.. and leave?  Find someplace to walk on the dirt with your bare feet-  soil your toes have never touched before?  The peace of knowing that no face you will see… knows who you are, what you have gone through or what you want to forget?  The joy of making a new life, new friends and a new future far from all that drags, haunts and pains you?  Oh sure, some might say that those demons will follow you.  Some will say that you will encounter new demons.  Some will say that it would solve nothing to rearrange your world with a completely new adventure… but I am not completely sold on any of that.  Today is one of those days when my head is in the clouds, my heart is along the distant shore and my soul is roaming free of the constraints of being me… and I wish I could follow all the fragments of me piece by piece.

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The Faith to Believe and Trust…

Faith is about Belief…

the need to steadfastly Believe that there will be good things, good people, good times in our lives, love being one of the good things we Believe in and hope for.

Belief is about Trust…

the need to Trust in ourselves, our choices, and others, that they will be good to us and for us and this requires a leap of Faith.

Trust is about Faith…

the need we all have to Believe in the goodness of ourselves and others and in love, things we cannot see, but simply Trust and have Faith that they exist and will exist for us.

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A Nightingales tale of love.

A Nightingales tale of love..

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A Nightingales tale of love.

When children are read to, parents, with the highest intentions hope to inspire morals, values, and of course a joy of stories and reading.  I often wonder how many times the author intended for the parent reading, to be reminded of their own morals and values.  It seems to me this might be far more often than most grown-ups would like to admit.  As I was reading to my eldest tonight, she chose “The Nightingale”, I began to see so much more than what my child would see.

For those who have not heard the tale here is an explanation:  A fisherman in China discovers a nightingale.  A plain looking bird, with a magnificent voice.  The Emperor of Japan, contacts the Emperor of China and says that he has heard news of the bird and wishes to visit and hear the bird for himself.  The Emperor of China knew nothing of the bird.  In the nick of time the bird is found and brought to the palace where both Emperors are moved to tears by the treasure of the birds voice.  The Emperor of China allows the bird to stay in the palace and sing for anyone who wishes to come.  All that people notice is how plain or homely the bird is, in comparison to it’s voice.  After the Japanese Emperor returns home he sends the Emperor of China a mechanical gold bird, encrusted with Jewels and states that while this birds voice is not as lovely… he wanted to send the token as gratitude for sharing the real birds gift with him.  Alas all the people in China were fooled into thinking that the mechanical bird, because it looked so pretty, was better than the real bird.  The Emperor knew better.  However the real Nightingale felt ignored and unwanted and unappreciated.  So the bird went back to his home.  The Emperor was sad.  But he knew why the bird left, and allowed the bird his freedom.  The Emperor grew very sad and weak.  The Farmer went and told the bird of the Emperors failing condition and the bird flew back to the palace.  The mechanical bird had been played so much that it had broken.  The lovely nightingale sat at the Emperors bed and sang for him, and the Emperors health improved and with respect and adoration.. the two were never parted.

A lovely story right?  What we hope it teaches our children is most likely that looks do not account for worth.  And that friendship is important.  But there is, in my eyes a much deeper message.  It is about protecting what we love.  The Emperors first job should have been to protect the bird from the ignorance and cruelty of his people.  The poor bird should not have been subjected to the criticisms of the people time and again.  Secondly, the Emperor should have kept the gift of the Mechanical bird to himself.  And not allowed it to become more valued than the real bird.  The Emperor, simply an appeaser, tried to give everyone what they wanted, in essence, he was selfish- a trait I believe to be the root of all sins.  Why do I claim he was selfish?  He neither protected nor cherished the bird.  He showed it not the proper respect of one who gives up home and life to bring another joy.  He took that Nightingale for granted.  And it took the magnificent creature leaving his side for him to realize how much the homely bird with the lovely voice meant to him.

One might argue that the bird was to blame.. for not voicing it’s feelings.  A blame the victim attitude.  One should never have to say “Stop you are hurting me.”  If they are well and truly loved, the other should be looking out for them at all times and not being so selfish that they wound the very soul of the one they claim to love.  I am sure that the bird would never do that.  Had the Emperor for one minute put himself in the position of the bird and asked… would I be happy..?   He would have known the answer without needing to be told.  But alas the nearsighted old man, set in his ways and too busy with his own needs and the needs of his Empire, took not the slightest time nor thought for the gifted creature who gave up so much to be by his side.  And wounds were inflicted.  Luckily for the silly old man.. the bird had a heart bigger than his and loved him well and truly and came back to his side.  But only through being given the proper love and respect and treatment would the tenderhearted creature stay.

So one might say that the story is also about compromise.  One must take the time to learn about others, to place themselves in the shoes of someone else and ask “Would I be happy?”  And then if the answer comes back “no”, decided what you are willing to compromise on, if anything.   Some of the most worthy souls, the souls that give completely of themselves without question, are too tenderhearted to be treated with anything less than kid gloves.  Their hearts so fragile from the effort of all the loving that they do and how much they give of themselves.. that they will break from the pain of knowing that they are not loved equally so and respected.

Is that Nightingale worth loving?  Worth the compromise?  Worth the protection and effort of cherishing?  Only the Emperor may decide that for himself.  Until he finds himself languishing away once the lovely voiced creature has left his bed…. perhaps only then he will know the answer to his soul.  A shame the poor bird must be put through this, but the bird has a heart as lovely as it’s voice… it was made to love and for love, so the bird will go through the pain and the despair and stay silent and will return to the lonely Emperors side.  And the others who descried the bird for not being enough to their cursory glance… they are not even worthy of mention.

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dance of demons and angels

There is an ebb and flow to the world, not just the moon and it’s pull on Mother Earth, but to all things in nature. The cycle of good and bad in relationships where one becomes nearly unlovable while another blossoms into the prodigal child. This dance of demons and angels can be mercilessly hard on some if they do not allow for one simple fact… stay true to yourself, so that when the tide changes and those who are drawn to come close to you again pull ever closer, your heart will be less inclined to be hurt, but your soul can remain open to the dance. You can no more cease the rotation than you can change the bodies that inhabit your universe… all you can do is learn about your universe and about those that share space in it. Good luck my stars in this navigation of souls. You will need it.

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